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If Real Wars Were Like Trade Wars….

In response to this report at Reuters on the looming trade war between Uncle Sam and Beijing, [HT Andy Roth] I sent in this comment (which, as of 1:03pm EDT today, has yet to appear on the Reuters’ site):

If governments fought real wars like they fight trade wars, here’s how the transcript of the communiqués between the leaders of two warring nations would read:

Leader of Absurditopia (A): I say, leader of Stupidia – we demand that you stop occupying that contested strip of land.  If you refuse, we’ll have no choice but to shoot our own citizens.

Leader of Stupidia (S): You don’t scare us!  That land is ours.  And if you do kill some of your own people, make no mistake that we will immediately – and just as cruelly – commence to killing our own people.  Courage is our national motto!

(A): Ha!  You’re bluffing.  But I’m not.  I’ve just courageously ordered my troops to mow down in cold blood ten percent of my fellow countrymen.  Take that!

(S): How dare you attack you like that!  You leave us no choice but to attack us.  I am ordering the Stupidian army to slaughter 15 percent of innocent Stupidians here in Stupidia.  How do you like them apples?!

(A): You are cruel and inhuman to damage us by killing your people.  I hereby instruct all of my fellow Absurditopians to commit suicide!  Only then will you nasty Stupidians get your proper comeuppance and we Absurditopians the justice that we are due!

(S): You can’t beat us, you Absurditopian you!  Listen up.  I’m ordering all of my fellow citizens – Stupidians all! – to commit suicide.  We’ll see who emerges victorious!
Then a long, long silence.


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